Pauline Writes

The past 2 years' NYE were spent at funerals.

I couldn't sleep, or let myself sleep last night. Or the night before. 

Sleeping... going about my daily routines... attending to work... so quickly, as if nothing has happened seemed cruel. Yet, a part of me wish none of it had happened - a part of me wants things to be as they were before - a part of me feels dreary, and tired, of being stuck in this loop. A part of me wants to move on.

But moving on is not easy, when there's no knowing of what to make out of it - except the blunt and brutal fact that life is fleeting and fragile - and that what seemed to be priorities suddenly don't seem so important anymore.

My reality, and the world as I know it has changed - to what, I am not sure... yet.

On top of having to make sense of what's happened, and cling on tight to every little piece of memory (which is really all that's left), I find myself also grappling with this new reality which I can't quite make out. 

And while I am not completely sure of what's truly important now, in my little ways of coming into terms with things - I console myself by saying that death is a necessary reminder to those alive to live life fully and stronger - and so, the best tribute we can make to a loved one is, and has to be the life we live after their death. 

On NYE, people everywhere were busy recapping their 2016 on Instagram and Facebook, re-sharing their favorite photos and best moments of the year. I was going to do the same, but as I scrolled through my own photos and posts, and faced with my new reality, I don't know what to say of my 2016... or 2015, or 2014, or 2013... - except... that-

I haven't lived life enough to say that I am ready to die.