(Q2 2020) An Account of Profit and Loss
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"She was just like everyone else, she endured her loneliness in silence, tried to justify everything she did, pretended to be strong when she was feeling weak or weak when she was feeling strong. She had renounced love and taken up a dangerous profession, but now, as that work was coming to an end, she had plans for the future and regrets about the past, and someone like that doesn't have a ‘special glow.’” – Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho |
I thought I would do a blog post because the last 6 months of 2020 and everything that has happened in between have really gotten me to reflect on how I have lived my life so far.
Without diving too deep into the details, I'll just start by saying that the Covid-19 restrictions have brought about a quietness which has made it impossible for me to turn a deaf ear to the many dreams, hopes, fears, and doubts of mine screaming from the depths of my soul.
Without diving too deep into the details, I'll just start by saying that the Covid-19 restrictions have brought about a quietness which has made it impossible for me to turn a deaf ear to the many dreams, hopes, fears, and doubts of mine screaming from the depths of my soul.
Before we get to 2020, it is important to examine the many twists and turns of life and how they got me to where I am today. A good place to start would be the year of 2017.
2017
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| Eternally grateful to this amazing team (Datin J, Sathya, KYS, Marina - kind kind kind souls) that has shaped my perspectives and given me such a positive outlook on the legal life. |
In 2017, I was working in a top-tier law firm in Malaysia. I was with an amazing team that promised a lot of room for growth and development. I was also in a relationship with, if I may say, a fairly eligible man (who shall henceforth be named as K). He was 7 years older and ahead of me in career and life. Naturally, I saw myself working my way up (slowly but surely) to becoming a partner and ultimately getting married and having 2 kids (or problems) of my own!
Life, of course, did not go as planned. Life, in fact, never does, as I would soon learn.
In February, out of spite (that’s a long story for another day) and impulsively, I applied for a job in Singapore. I remember that right after submitting my application I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was hoping that I wouldn’t make the cut so nothing would have to change. Though life was not all rosy at the time, I did have quite a lot going for me. On the other hand, the competitive side of me wanted my application to be accepted. A little embarrassed to say this, but it was also partly because I had never gotten rejected for a job before and wasn’t quite ready to have my “cherry popped”. Thankfully, these mixed feelings didn't last for too long. When the dust finally settled and when I sat down and looked at things more rationally and carefully, I was glad that I applied; and when I was accepted, it was sheer thrill that I felt more than anything else.
In June, I packed my bag and left for Singapore to pursue my career.
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| My farewell gift was a "Wonder Woman" pillow. I am no Wonder Woman! These people, though, are the real UNSUNG HEROES! |
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| Team farewell: Bidding goodbye to this team was tough - very very tough. |
Naturally, my 2 years old relationship had to take a back-seat. At the time, as K and I still saw a future with each other, we agreed to give long-distance a try. We didn’t get to discuss or agree on many of the finer details. It was partly because we both felt that we were in unchartered territories with many uncertainties. Time was also not on our side. Things were happening very quickly. I remember I was literally scrambling to tie up loose ends in Malaysia and set up my new life in Singapore. He was equally preoccupied with moving into his new place. We did however agree on a few important things: we would meet at least once a month, it would make most sense for me to do the commuting, and this would be for the better.
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| Only a one-hour flight away. That's what they say. |
2018 – 2019
Fast forward, 2018 and 2019 flew by. If I could squeeze these 2 years into a single phrase, it would be “going through the motions”. If I could use one word to describe how I felt the entire 2 years, it would be "inadequacy".
Allow me to explain.
Everyone seems to have a plan here in Singapore. Unlike many, I didn’t come to Singapore with a plan. Singapore was really, to me, for want of a better term, a "beautiful accident". Many though would consider Singapore a golden opportunity for someone like me with not too many years of experience under her belt but young and hungry. Naturally, I soon felt the acute need to put in the extra hours to measure up. To be deserving of this once in a lifetime chance (to change my fate?), and to make the most out of my time here in Singapore. That, on top of being with someone 7 years ahead, I felt so catapulted forward in so many facets of life that I felt so behind at the same time (hence the inadequacy, if that makes sense? Ironic isn't it?).
I was so caught up with playing catch-up that I just didn't have the time to think and reflect. To be in touch with myself, and to occasionally ask myself the honest question: whether where life is taking me is where I want to go? I was just riding the waves and going with the flow.
I was so caught up with playing catch-up that I just didn't have the time to think and reflect. To be in touch with myself, and to occasionally ask myself the honest question: whether where life is taking me is where I want to go? I was just riding the waves and going with the flow.
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| Me every other Friday evening - en route to KayElle! |
Not having figured out any specific needs or wants of my own, I focused whatever time and energy that’s left in me (after all the catching-up) to meeting the needs and expectations of others (my bosses, K, our families and friends). I would work 12-14 hours a day on weekdays and sometimes, on weekends too. Two of the four weekends in a month would be spent commuting between Malaysia and Singapore to spend time with K and our families and to catch up with friends. The other two would be spent recuperating and bracing myself for the next two.
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| Photo credit: My ex-neighbour, LSJ. Taking embarrassing photos of me since 2017. |
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| Said ex-neighbour and I all matchy-matchy! |
I did at times feel spread a bit too thin and running on a somewhat empty tank. Time and energy felt so scarce that I would feel guilty about spending time on myself. There were days I couldn't help but doze off at work (shhh...!). One time I even had to take a snooze in the toilet cubicle (as I no longer have a room to myself for power naps under the desk, shhh...!) and because I didn't lock the door properly, someone barged in and thought that I had passed out while trying to pee.
2018 and 2019 however were not all a blur and white noises. There were some very uplifting moments and high (literally) points, although they are for the most part in 2019.
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| One of my first few speaking engagements which I fortunately aced and gave me the much needed confidence for my later speaking engagements. |
From a career standpoint, I have learned and grown so much. The curve is one that is upward and I would say, pretty steep. I have had the opportunity to work with, speak alongside, and learn from the very best of the best in the industry.
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| As the only lady and the most junior lawyer on the panel, I had very real moments of self-doubt and wondered if I could pull it off and do the panel justice (with big guns like Wai Ming, James Nicholson, Jern Fei QC, Siraj Omar SC and Andrew Pullen). Thankfully, with the support and guidance from my bosses and colleagues, my performance was not too shabby! |
When I first came to Singapore, I imagined it to be a very daunting and unforgiving place. I imagined that people would be busy minding their own business and nobody would have time for anybody. As I would soon learn from the many kind souls I was lucky enough to meet here, Singapore is pretty warm and welcoming. It is a place that celebrates co-operation and collaboration. In a queer, endearing way, the life challenges that Singapore has in store, if anything, I thought brought people closer and more together.
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| Say YAK-CHEEEEEEEESE! 5,106 m high up! |
Then in March, I also embarked on a 14 days hike in Manaslu. Something I didn't imagine or believe I could do until I was actually at the peak, 5,106 m high. I guess, a key takeaway here is, everything can be achieved, one (baby) step at a time. As long as one keeps going, one will eventually reach, surely albeit slowly.
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| Peak of Mt. Fuji at 3,776 m high up! |
A couple of words on hiking before I talk more about Manaslu. Hiking wasn't something I was doing before. It was something I got introduced to by K and only really learned to love after our Mount Fuji hike.
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| Pictured: Pine Tree Trail (Bukit Fraser) There is no way, one can hike in Malaysia and not come out looking covered in mud. |
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| Mt. Tate at 3,015 m high up! |
We would go on to do another hike in Japan in Mt. Tateyama, my first ever snow-covered trek before Manaslu. I guess a key-takeaway here is nothing good comes easy. Hiking in the snow is no laughing matter. I remember slipping and falling on my ass so many times, how jelly my legs were feeling, how close I was to bursting into tears, how ready I was to just throw my hands up and give up. Well, partly my fault for not making sure I was fit enough for the hike. I guess, another key-takeaway is the importance of preparation. Like hikes, life is more beautiful when lived with a degree of preparation.
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| Our cool cheeky porters for Manaslu! |
Back to Manaslu (which I will spend some time to blabber about because I realised I haven't actually written anything about it), I remember just dreading it. Not because I didn't like hiking or the preparation. I simply couldn't find the time or energy to commit to it, and it therefore felt like an additional chore to me. I was properly overwhelmed by life (yes, I know I have said this a thousand times now). Thankfully, I was young and an athlete when in school so I didn't do too badly during the actual hike. Although, of course, with hindsight, everything can be done better.
Manaslu was first and foremost, breath-taking. Some proof for your kind consideration (a closer look is available here):
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| Dharmasala (Larkya Phedi) ~ 4,000 m |
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| Dharmasala (Larkya Phedi) ~ 4,000 m |
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| Bhirendra Lake at ~3,500 m |
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| Sama Gaon at ~3,500 m |
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| Around Jagat / Daeng at ~2,000 m |
The 14-days hike gave me the much needed room to discover / rediscover myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my approach to life when the going gets tough. My biggest strength, I'd say, is that I am pretty good at pretending. That is ironically also my biggest weakness.
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| Actually dying inside. |
The flip side to this is that I lack the honesty with myself and others, and that keeps anything real or meaningful from taking form. Everything, is nothing but a front, a façade, a wall. Knowingly or unknowingly, I have built my walls so mountain-high. Digressing slightly, I wonder if anyone could, or would ever be able to climb them without succumbing to an eventual gruesome death *coughs coughs...* Moving on -
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| Maybe like a bird, I puff up when afraid! |
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| Baby Lamb does not look pleased! |
The hike also made me see that there is so much to discover and experience in life (yes, like holding a baby lamb in my arms ~2,000 m high up) and how blessed I am to be able to wake up every morning and have the opportunity to decide to do something different with my life and make a difference in this world.
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| Around Matcha Khola at ~1,000 m |
I lost count of the number of times I would ask our porter "are we there yet?". I did this each time I looked up and saw how tiny and far everything looked against the majestic mountains. He would simply go"stop asking that! You're defeated the moment you think that!". When I would race towards the next pit-stop, he would say: "बिस्तारी... बिस्तारी..." (pronounced as bistārī... bistārī...) which really means "slowly... slowly...".
Two takeaways. One, life is not, and should never be a race and two, while it's important to have sight of what's ahead, to project into the future, it is equally if not more important to be fully in the present. When I would think of our next pit-stop, I noticed that I would either feel really elated (because we were really near) or deflated (because we were still far) but when I stopped to be in the moment and focused on what's around me, I was relaxed and at peace.
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| A sight I caught when I let myself slow down to appreciate the beauty around me. |
Some final words. Without K, I don't think I would have started hiking or learned to love it (well, not until at least much later in life, after which I am probably too old to start), simply because of the many preparations that will have to be made before one can really stand on their 2 feet and view the world from its peaks.
Although, we are no longer together now (because long distance got the better of us... only a 1 hour flight away, they say) I do see myself continuing to hike - but this time, without him watching my back and making sure that I am okay.
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| No InstaBF is needed for these! |
I also for the first time ever, travelled alone. Just me, my tripod and Samsung Note 10 in Sydney and Hanoi. I got a taste of freedom, the freedom to put myself first. To be spontaneous! To go anywhere I wanted to be anytime, take however long I needed to get the perfect shot, stuff my mouth with slimy bugs, pillion-ride for a good long 40 minutes at 80 kmph in the wee hours of morning under 10°C, chat strangers up (okay-lah, I was approached, not the other way around, haha!). It was exhilarating and I would do it all over again!
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| Hanoi Airbnb |
It was fun... for a while. In both places, I got the entire Airbnb to myself, and I loved it. I loved having the entire place to myself but to be quite honest, there were some nights I wished I wasn't returning to an empty house. It did however make me think that perhaps I do see myself living with someone in a cozy home like that (and not just for a few days) and that is something I could see myself work towards. And good things in life are better when shared with loved ones.
With that, 2019 came to an end. Given everything I have experienced, and the time I finally got to be by myself and reflect, I thought I got it all figured out. I thought I knew what was most important to me and what I needed to do.
2020
2020 was supposed to be a fairly stable year for me. I had plans and milestones. Although, with the Covid-19 restrictions, many of them either could not be materialised or just got completely stalled. It is upsetting because when 2019 came to an end, I was sure I knew what I needed to do and felt that I was finally ready to take hold of the wheels again and steer my life back on course.
Then Covid-19 happened, everything came to a halt (except work) and I am not so sure anymore.
Of course, the first 2 weeks, I was on cloud nine. I finally found the time to do many of the humdrum stuffs I neglected and got my life slightly back on track after all the rushing and chasing in 2018 and 2019. I picked up a new skill and developed calluses! I can now play the ukulele and make covers (here's an IMHO passable and shareable cover of Natalia Imbruglia's Torn). I found the time to cook again and did quite a bit of that.
In May though, I lost a very dear friend, James. He would when still around tirelessly remind us that in living our lives, we should always think of what we would like people to say when at our funerals. What I wrote for James's (Eulogy 1; Eulogy 2).
It pains me that I could not visit James when he was admitted to ICU here in Singapore or attend his funeral in person in Malaysia to say my last goodbye because of Covid-19. The last time I got to meet with James was in November 2019. Looking back, I felt the universe was maybe kinder to me that way, because I didn't have to hold my tears back or put up a strong front. I could just bawl my eyes out in the safety and confines of my own room under my blanket.
Some mornings, I still wake up and go "he isn't here anymore, is he...?"
I suppose, when something like that happens, we are forced to reconsider our priorities and options in life. It is especially difficult for me because I didn’t in 2019, imagine that I would have to endure this loss feeling like I have come so far in life but achieved so little, feeling somewhat hollow inside. I am without a relationship, without a place of my own, and now, without a trusted friend, a friend I know will not judge, when I bitch about amounting to nothing in life and feeling like I am falling behind.
Of course, the first 2 weeks, I was on cloud nine. I finally found the time to do many of the humdrum stuffs I neglected and got my life slightly back on track after all the rushing and chasing in 2018 and 2019. I picked up a new skill and developed calluses! I can now play the ukulele and make covers (here's an IMHO passable and shareable cover of Natalia Imbruglia's Torn). I found the time to cook again and did quite a bit of that.
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| Nothing fancy, just good 'ol home cooked nutrient-packed MSG-free meals. |
In May though, I lost a very dear friend, James. He would when still around tirelessly remind us that in living our lives, we should always think of what we would like people to say when at our funerals. What I wrote for James's (Eulogy 1; Eulogy 2).
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| You were loved deeply And you lived fully You will be missed dearly And remembered fondly |
It pains me that I could not visit James when he was admitted to ICU here in Singapore or attend his funeral in person in Malaysia to say my last goodbye because of Covid-19. The last time I got to meet with James was in November 2019. Looking back, I felt the universe was maybe kinder to me that way, because I didn't have to hold my tears back or put up a strong front. I could just bawl my eyes out in the safety and confines of my own room under my blanket.
Some mornings, I still wake up and go "he isn't here anymore, is he...?"
I suppose, when something like that happens, we are forced to reconsider our priorities and options in life. It is especially difficult for me because I didn’t in 2019, imagine that I would have to endure this loss feeling like I have come so far in life but achieved so little, feeling somewhat hollow inside. I am without a relationship, without a place of my own, and now, without a trusted friend, a friend I know will not judge, when I bitch about amounting to nothing in life and feeling like I am falling behind.
Onward and Forward
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3 years on, earned a seat! Just kidding, haha, put there by the photographer!
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In a week's time, I'll officially be promoted. In 6 months’ time, I’ll officially turn 30. I don't know what the future holds for me, still.
I do know that I have to approach life with a dash more honesty (with myself), a pinch of vulnerability, and a whole lot more courage. I deserve a chance at something real and meaningful, and that is worth the risk of being let down and disappointed. After all, I have fallen down and gotten back up so many times despite my walls, I can do without them.
Take things slower. That's what I would do. Take a pause, a breather. Count my blessings, one by one. Make time for things in life that count, for people who matter, however difficult.
To be honest, I am so used to my old ways, it's hard to say if I'd be able to do many things very differently immediately. I do however see that some things will have to change, and at the risk of repeating myself... I really just need to get started.
With that, I would end with these few questions for thoughts:
What have I gained, what have I lost?
And at what cost?
But after all, is life about gains and losses?
