(Q2 2020) An Account of Profit and Loss

"She was just like everyone else, she endured her loneliness in silence, tried to justify everything she did, pretended to be strong when she was feeling weak or weak when she was feeling strong. She had renounced love and taken up a dangerous profession, but now, as that work was coming to an end, she had plans for the future and regrets about the past, and someone like that doesn't have a ‘special glow.’”

– Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

I thought I would do a blog post because the last 6 months of 2020 and everything that has happened in between have really gotten me to reflect on how I have lived my life so far.

Without diving too deep into the details, I'll just start by saying that the Covid-19 restrictions have brought about a quietness which has made it impossible for me to turn a deaf ear to the many dreams, hopes, fears, and doubts of mine screaming from the depths of my soul. 

Before we get to 2020, it is important to examine the many twists and turns of life and how they got me to where I am today. A good place to start would be the year of 2017. 

2017

Eternally grateful to this amazing team (Datin J, Sathya, KYS, Marina - kind kind kind souls) that has shaped my perspectives and given me such a positive outlook on the legal life. 

In 2017, I was working in a top-tier law firm in Malaysia. I was with an amazing team that promised a lot of room for growth and development. I was also in a relationship with, if I may say, a fairly eligible man (who shall henceforth be named as K). He was 7 years older and ahead of me in career and life. Naturally, I saw myself working my way up (slowly but surely) to becoming a partner and ultimately getting married and having 2 kids (or problems) of my own!

Life, of course, did not go as planned. Life, in fact, never does, as I would soon learn. 

In February, out of spite (that’s a long story for another day) and impulsively, I applied for a job in Singapore. I remember that right after submitting my application I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was hoping that I wouldn’t make the cut so nothing would have to change. Though life was not all rosy at the time, I did have quite a lot going for me. On the other hand, the competitive side of me wanted my application to be accepted. A little embarrassed to say this, but it was also partly because I had never gotten rejected for a job before and wasn’t quite ready to have my “cherry popped”. Thankfully, these mixed feelings didn't last for too long. When the dust finally settled and when I sat down and looked at things more rationally and carefully, I was glad that I applied; and when I was accepted, it was sheer thrill that I felt more than anything else.

In June, I packed my bag and left for Singapore to pursue my career. 

My farewell gift was a "Wonder Woman" pillow.
I am no Wonder Woman! These people, though, are the real UNSUNG HEROES! 

Team farewell: Bidding goodbye to this team was tough - very very tough.

Naturally, my 2 years old relationship had to take a back-seat. At the time, as K and I still saw a future with each other, we agreed to give long-distance a try. We didn’t get to discuss or agree on many of the finer details. It was partly because we both felt that we were in unchartered territories with many uncertainties. Time was also not on our side. Things were happening very quickly. I remember I was literally scrambling to tie up loose ends in Malaysia and set up my new life in Singapore. He was equally preoccupied with moving into his new place. We did however agree on a few important things: we would meet at least once a month, it would make most sense for me to do the commuting, and this would be for the better. 

Only a one-hour flight away. That's what they say. 

2018 – 2019

Fast forward, 2018 and 2019 flew by. If I could squeeze these 2 years into a single phrase, it would be “going through the motions”. If I could use one word to describe how I felt the entire 2 years, it would be "inadequacy".

Allow me to explain. 

Everyone seems to have a plan here in Singapore. Unlike many, I didn’t come to Singapore with a plan. Singapore was really, to me, for want of a better term, a "beautiful accident". Many though would consider Singapore a golden opportunity for someone like me with not too many years of experience under her belt but young and hungry. Naturally, I soon felt the acute need to put in the extra hours to measure up. To be deserving of this once in a lifetime chance (to change my fate?), and to make the most out of my time here in Singapore. That, on top of being with someone 7 years ahead, I felt so catapulted forward in so many facets of life that I felt so behind at the same time (hence the inadequacy, if that makes sense? Ironic isn't it?).

I was so caught up with playing catch-up that I just didn't have the time to think and reflect. To be in touch with myself, and to occasionally ask myself the honest question: whether where life is taking me is where I want to go? I was just riding the waves and going with the flow. 

Me every other Friday evening - en route to KayElle!

Not having figured out any specific needs or wants of my own, I focused whatever time and energy that’s left in me (after all the catching-up) to meeting the needs and expectations of others (my bosses, K, our families and friends). I would work 12-14 hours a day on weekdays and sometimes, on weekends too. Two of the four weekends in a month would be spent commuting between Malaysia and Singapore to spend time with K and our families and to catch up with friends. The other two would be spent recuperating and bracing myself for the next two.

Photo credit: My ex-neighbour, LSJ.
Taking embarrassing photos of me since 2017.

Said ex-neighbour and I all matchy-matchy!

I did at times feel spread a bit too thin and running on a somewhat empty tank. Time and energy felt so scarce that I would feel guilty about spending time on myself. There were days I couldn't help but doze off at work (shhh...!). One time I even had to take a snooze in the toilet cubicle (as I no longer have a room to myself for power naps under the desk, shhh...!) and because I didn't lock the door properly, someone barged in and thought that I had passed out while trying to pee.

2018 and 2019 however were not all a blur and white noises. There were some very uplifting moments and high (literally) points, although they are for the most part in 2019. 

One of my first few speaking engagements which I fortunately aced and gave me the much needed confidence for my later speaking engagements. 

From a career standpoint, I have learned and grown so much. The curve is one that is upward and I would say, pretty steep. I have had the opportunity to work with, speak alongside, and learn from the very best of the best in the industry.

As the only lady and the most junior lawyer on the panel, I had very real moments of self-doubt and wondered if I could pull it off and do the panel justice (with big guns like Wai Ming, James Nicholson, Jern Fei QC, Siraj Omar SC and Andrew Pullen). Thankfully, with the support and guidance from my bosses and colleagues, my performance was not too shabby! 

When I first came to Singapore, I imagined it to be a very daunting and unforgiving place. I imagined that people would be busy minding their own business and nobody would have time for anybody. As I would soon learn from the many kind souls I was lucky enough to meet here, Singapore is pretty warm and welcoming. It is a place that celebrates co-operation and collaboration. In a queer, endearing way, the life challenges that Singapore has in store, if anything, I thought brought people closer and more together.

Say YAK-CHEEEEEEEESE!
5,106 m high up!

Then in March, I also embarked on a 14 days hike in Manaslu. Something I didn't imagine or believe I could do until I was actually at the peak, 5,106 m high. I guess, a key takeaway here is, everything can be achieved, one (baby) step at a time. As long as one keeps going, one will eventually reach, surely albeit slowly.

Peak of Mt. Fuji at 3,776 m high up!

A couple of words on hiking before I talk more about Manaslu. Hiking wasn't something I was doing before. It was something I got introduced to by K and only really learned to love after our Mount Fuji hike.

Pictured: Pine Tree Trail (Bukit Fraser)
There is no way, one can hike in Malaysia and not come out looking covered in mud.

We did do a couple of hikes in Malaysia, but you know how the terrain there is like. It's muddy, it's slippery. The air feels humid and the trek is not actually very scenic unless you love the feeling of being surrounded by trees and greenery, and sounds of animals and insects mating (which actually, is pretty nice also-lah).

Mt. Tate at 3,015 m high up!

We would go on to do another hike in Japan in Mt. Tateyama, my first ever snow-covered trek before Manaslu. I guess a key-takeaway here is nothing good comes easy. Hiking in the snow is no laughing matter. I remember slipping and falling on my ass so many times, how jelly my legs were feeling, how close I was to bursting into tears, how ready I was to just throw my hands up and give up. Well, partly my fault for not making sure I was fit enough for the hike. I guess, another key-takeaway is the importance of preparation. Like hikes, life is more beautiful when lived with a degree of preparation.

Our cool cheeky porters for Manaslu! 

Back to Manaslu (which I will spend some time to blabber about because I realised I haven't actually written anything about it), I remember just dreading it. Not because I didn't like hiking or the preparation. I simply couldn't find the time or energy to commit to it, and it therefore felt like an additional chore to me. I was properly overwhelmed by life (yes, I know I have said this a thousand times now). Thankfully, I was young and an athlete when in school so I didn't do too badly during the actual hike. Although, of course, with hindsight, everything can be done better.

Manaslu was first and foremost, breath-taking. Some proof for your kind consideration (a closer look is available here):

Dharmasala (Larkya Phedi) ~ 4,000 m 

Dharmasala (Larkya Phedi) ~ 4,000 m 

Bhirendra Lake at ~3,500 m

Sama Gaon at ~3,500 m

Around Jagat / Daeng at ~2,000 m 

The 14-days hike gave me the much needed room to discover / rediscover myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my approach to life when the going gets tough. My biggest strength, I'd say, is that I am pretty good at pretending. That is ironically also my biggest weakness. 

Actually dying inside.

I could endure some of the greatest pains with a smile on my face, chanting in my head my all-time favourite mantra "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". I could pretend to be so brave when I am dead afraid (except when it comes to spiders and big bugs that fly, haha! No problem with screaming and losing it there! And needles - yikes!!).

The flip side to this is that I lack the honesty with myself and others, and that keeps anything real or meaningful from taking form. Everything, is nothing but a front, a façade, a wall. Knowingly or unknowingly, I have built my walls so mountain-high. Digressing slightly, I wonder if anyone could, or would ever be able to climb them without succumbing to an eventual gruesome death *coughs coughs...* Moving on -

Maybe like a bird, I puff up when afraid!

I also found the hike to be always more difficult in the mornings, but would leave me wanting more by the time we finish in the evenings. I guess, the saying that the first steps are always the hardest holds true - and like many people, I am also a person of momentum. I just have to get started - something I find I have to tell myself increasingly more as I "adult" or shall I say "age"?

Baby Lamb does not look pleased!

The hike also made me see that there is so much to discover and experience in life (yes, like holding a baby lamb in my arms ~2,000 m high up) and how blessed I am to be able to wake up every morning and have the opportunity to decide to do something different with my life and make a difference in this world.

Around Matcha Khola at ~1,000 m

I lost count of the number of times I would ask our porter "are we there yet?". I did this each time I looked up and saw how tiny and far everything looked against the majestic mountains. He would simply go"stop asking that! You're defeated the moment you think that!". When I would race towards the next pit-stop, he would say: "बिस्तारी... बिस्तारी..." (pronounced as bistārī... bistārī...) which really means "slowly... slowly...".

Two takeaways. One, life is not, and should never be a race and two, while it's important to have sight of what's ahead, to project into the future, it is equally if not more important to be fully in the present. When I would think of our next pit-stop, I noticed that I would either feel really elated (because we were really near) or deflated (because we were still far) but when I stopped to be in the moment and focused on what's around me, I was relaxed and at peace.

A sight I caught when I let myself slow down to appreciate the beauty around me. 

Some final words. Without K, I don't think I would have started hiking or learned to love it (well, not until at least much later in life, after which I am probably too old to start), simply because of the many preparations that will have to be made before one can really stand on their 2 feet and view the world from its peaks.

Although, we are no longer together now (because long distance got the better of us... only a 1 hour flight away, they say) I do see myself continuing to hike - but this time, without him watching my back and making sure that I am okay.

No InstaBF is needed for these! 

I also for the first time ever, travelled alone. Just me, my tripod and Samsung Note 10 in Sydney and Hanoi. I got a taste of freedom, the freedom to put myself first. To be spontaneous! To go anywhere I wanted to be anytime, take however long I needed to get the perfect shot, stuff my mouth with slimy bugs, pillion-ride for a good long 40 minutes at 80 kmph in the wee hours of morning under 10°C, chat strangers up (okay-lah, I was approached, not the other way around, haha!). It was exhilarating and I would do it all over again!

Hanoi Airbnb

It was fun... for a while. In both places, I got the entire Airbnb to myself, and I loved it. I loved having the entire place to myself but to be quite honest, there were some nights I wished I wasn't returning to an empty house. It did however make me think that perhaps I do see myself living with someone in a cozy home like that (and not just for a few days) and that is something I could see myself work towards. And good things in life are better when shared with loved ones.

With that, 2019 came to an end. Given everything I have experienced, and the time I finally got to be by myself and reflect, I thought I got it all figured out. I thought I knew what was most important to me and what I needed to do. 

2020

2020 was supposed to be a fairly stable year for me. I had plans and milestones. Although, with the Covid-19 restrictions, many of them either could not be materialised or just got completely stalled. It is upsetting because when 2019 came to an end, I was sure I knew what I needed to do and felt that I was finally ready to take hold of the wheels again and steer my life back on course. 

Then Covid-19 happened, everything came to a halt (except work) and I am not so sure anymore.

Of course, the first 2 weeks, I was on cloud nine. I finally found the time to do many of the humdrum stuffs I neglected and got my life slightly back on track after all the rushing and chasing in 2018 and 2019. I picked up a new skill and developed calluses! I can now play the ukulele and make covers (here's an IMHO passable and shareable cover of Natalia Imbruglia's Torn). I found the time to cook again and did quite a bit of that.

Nothing fancy, just good 'ol home cooked nutrient-packed MSG-free meals.

In May though, I lost a very dear friend, James. He would when still around tirelessly remind us that in living our lives, we should always think of what we would like people to say when at our funerals. What I wrote for James's (Eulogy 1; Eulogy 2).

You were loved deeply
And you lived fully
You will be missed dearly
And remembered fondly

It pains me that I could not visit James when he was admitted to ICU here in Singapore or attend his funeral in person in Malaysia to say my last goodbye because of Covid-19. The last time I got to meet with James was in November 2019. Looking back, I felt the universe was maybe kinder to me that way, because I didn't have to hold my tears back or put up a strong front. I could just bawl my eyes out in the safety and confines of my own room under my blanket.

Some mornings, I still wake up and go "he isn't here anymore, is he...?"

I suppose, when something like that happens, we are forced to reconsider our priorities and options in life. It is especially difficult for me because I didn’t in 2019, imagine that I would have to endure this loss feeling like I have come so far in life but achieved so little, feeling somewhat hollow inside. I am without a relationship, without a place of my own, and now, without a trusted friend, a friend I know will not judge, when I bitch about amounting to nothing in life and feeling like I am falling behind. 

Onward and Forward

3 years on, earned a seat! Just kidding, haha, put there by the photographer! 

In a week's time, I'll officially be promoted. In 6 months’ time, I’ll officially turn 30. I don't know what the future holds for me, still.

I do know that I have to approach life with a dash more honesty (with myself), a pinch of vulnerability, and a whole lot more courage. I deserve a chance at something real and meaningful, and that is worth the risk of being let down and disappointed. After all, I have fallen down and gotten back up so many times despite my walls, I can do without them.

Take things slower. That's what I would do. Take a pause, a breather. Count my blessings, one by one. Make time for things in life that count, for people who matter, however difficult.

To be honest, I am so used to my old ways, it's hard to say if I'd be able to do many things very differently immediately. I do however see that some things will have to change, and at the risk of repeating myself... I really just need to get started.

With that, I would end with these few questions for thoughts:

What have I gained, what have I lost? 
And at what cost?
But after all, is life about gains and losses? 

Here's an ad I came across while waiting for the lift and this is what it advocates:

"Ini Sarah, remaja 16 tahun yang belum berkahwin tetapi sudah mengandung.  

Hmmm, kalaulah Sarah tahu untuk menolak. Apa kata kita bantu Sarah dari mula?  

9 bulan yang lepas, Sarah seperti remaja yang lain gemar bersosial dan mempunyai ramai kawan. Disebabkan perwatakannya yang menarik ramai yang meminati Sarah. Ada yang memang ikhlas untuk berkawan dan tidak kurang juga yang mahu mengambil kesempatan. Kebanyakannya lelaki tetapi ada juga perempuan. Sarah sering berhadapan dengan pujuk rayu dan kata-kata manis. Ada yang memberi isyarat dan ada yang berterus-terang. Semuanya menjurus ke arah hubungan seksual dan Sarah mula keliru dan berasa serba salah.  

Tahukah anda risiko yang bakal dihadapi oleh Sarah sekiranya dia termakan dengan semua pujuk rayu ini? Pertama, Sarah boleh ditempatkan di pusat pemulihan. Kedua, risiko kehamilan yang dihadapi oleh Sarah adalah empat kali ganda lebih besar dan ketiga, Sarah boleh terdedah kepada HIV dan juga risiko jangkitan kelamin seperti Sifilis dan Gonorrhea. Sarah perlu mengelakkan diri daripada menghadapi semua ini.  

Untuk itu, dia perlu tahu tentang 3 tahap risiko yang perlu dihindari yang dikenali sebagai: (i) tiada risiko - iaitu perlakuan bersendiri seperti berangan-angan dan beronani di mana ia tidak mendatangkan sebarang risiko HIV; (ii) risiko rendah - iaitu perlakuan berisiko rendah seperti "french kissing" dan beronani sesama pasangan; dan (iii) risiko tinggi - iaitu perlakuan berisiko seperti seks faraj, dubur dan oral. 

 
Kita semua tahu bahawa perkara yang besar bermula dari yang kecil. Sekiranya Sarah tahu tentang semua peringkat tingkah laku berisiko ini, semestinya dia tidak akan mencuba walaupun ianya hanya adalah hanya suatu tingkah laku lampu hijau yang tidak berisiko kerana di akhirnya ia akan mengundang kepada tingkah laku lampu merah yang sangat berrisko sepeti aktiviti seks luar nikah. 
Mengikut kajian daripada pelbagai sumber, penglibatan remaja dalam aktiviti seks luar nikah di Malaysia semakin meningkat saban tahun. 

Sarah harus tahu semua ini supaya dirinya tidak termasuk di dalam statistik kes kehamilan remaja. 

Tahukan anda, bahawa secara puratanya terdapat 18 ribu kes baru kehamilan remaja yang berdaftar dengan Fasiliti Kementarian Kesihatan Malaysia ("KKM") setiap tahun dari tahun 2011 hingga tahun 2013?  

Ya, ia umpama jumlah pelajar untuk 18 buah sekolah dan ia terus bertambah setiap tahun.

Sarah tdak perlu mengulangi kesilapan yang sama pada masa akan datang. Sarah sudah tahu akan risikonya dan Sarah tahu semua tingkah laku yang berisiko. Sebaiknya, Sarah perlu berani menolak, menahan diri, dan bertegas untuk mengatakan tidak kepada perlakuan-perlakuan berisko. 

Ini Sarah, remaja 16 tahun yang bertanggungjawab akan sebarang tingkah laku yang dipilih." 


While the ad aims to educate, the POV taken was sending all the wrong messages, and worse still, reinforcing gender stereotypes.

By targeting only women, the ad tells women that we call all the shots, we have all the say, we bear all the risks, and therefore, we ought to shoulder full responsibility. Therefore, even if sex really is a mutual act, women will always be at fault for letting it happen.

When the ad portrays men as perverts with little or no control over themselves and women as victims, it tells men that their behavior (which really is a result of social conditioning) is biological, inherent and further acceptable. They ought to behave that way, and if things get out of hand, it cannot be helped. Or at least, they're biologically speaking not in a position to do anything about it.

Even if assuming, that the ad's POV can be justified on the basis that it is enough to get one of the two (in this case, women) to say "no" to the act, because it takes two to tango, the ad would have been more egalitarian if it advocates abstinence as the responsibility of both men and women, and not women per se. After all, the reality is, the consequences do affect both men and women equally, save for the fact that only women can bear children.

What the ad should have done is to encourage the sharing of equal responsibilities by both men and women when it comes to sex, contraception, and children, and by addressing what both men and women can do to help eradicate unwanted consequences.

News:

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/world/2015/12/16/saudi-millionaire-cleared-of-rape-after-claiming-he-fell-and-accidentally-penetrated-teenager/

So here's my take on the matter.

The girl who cried rape shouldn't have gone to the man's apartment in the first place. Now, that is not to say that every time a woman enters a man's den, she's deemed to have consented to anything and everything. She hasn't. And he's got no right over her, whatsoever.

But when it comes to proving rape, and in a situation such as this, it's his words against hers! And the benefit of doubt must be given to the man, because, after all, why sleep over at a man's place in the hope that nothing will happen when there is no way anyone can be sure of that?

Ladies, I think the lesson to take away is this. If it's a "No!", it has to be an unequivocal, absolute, clear, obvious "No!" in words and conduct. There's no having it all. There is no in-betweens.

And, if he's really a gentleman - he'd have gotten you a room, all for yourself.

A completely unrelated photo, save for the fact that I am donning an AWAM Shirt

Feminism isn't about one gender emulating the other, or otherwise. It is about understanding that we are not defined by our gender. It is about deconstructing this "male" and "female" social construct. We can, and should be able to be whoever and whatever we aspire to be, without being accused of either conforming to or defying our gender. 

Gender, is a social construct. It is plagued with stereotypes. Gender tells you that men are rational and women are emotional. Gender tells you that men are egoistical and women are nurturing. But men can be emotional, and nurturing. And women can be rational and egoistical. They shouldn't be accused of emulating the other gender. They shouldn't be scorned at for not conforming to norms.

We have also our gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, and queer friends, who fall into neither or all of these categories. They too shouldn't be scorned at, simply because they are "different" and impossible to "categorize" (and sometimes to "comprehend").

If there's one thing that set the male apart from female, it's our biological differences. But even that is changing, with science and technology. 

Feminism is about recognizing that equality is possible only when we rid ourselves of stereotypes, and free ourselves from the chains of social construct and norms. 

And also facing the fact that today - the lines are blurred. 

News: 

http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/ministry-says-single-women-conditionally-allowed-contraceptives-to-guard-ag

Surely there are better ways to discourage random sex than this? Education and open discussion do not encourage sex. They equip men and women with knowledge which will empower them to make informed decisions for themselves.

Conditional contraceptives if anything exposes women to unwanted pregnancies, and the possibility of life-threatening underground abortions.

And further, why should only "single women" be counselled when sex is an act by both the man and woman?

News: 

http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2015/06/17/coverture-rule-is-unconstitutional-sri-ram-argues/

I was reading the other day and found out not that only Pauline Chai but many Miss Malaysia's are in fact divorced. 

I think that goes to show that what really sustains a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) isn't beauty or brains. Yet, those will always be what people would go for first. At least, I myself, am guilty of it sometimes. 

Over and above, say... values and principles? Or kindness or compassion?

News: http://www.thehive.asia/2015/04/beauty-queen-carey-ng-cyber-attacked-by.html

I am not one for Pageant Beauty...

It's one thing to celebrate beauty, and another to "define" beauty.

Qualities like confidence and poise are what judges in competitions like these often look for. But confident girls aren't necessarily more beautiful? There's beauty in vulnerability too. And while poise marks grace and elegance - there's beauty in genuineness too.

All that said, I have high regard for girls who put themselves out there, knowing that, at the end of the day, really, "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder".

On 'Marital Rape': 

You see, lawyers of course, would like to think that the law is the solution to our every day problems - that makes us feel important, like we're the key. It's all about the law - and nothing but the law.

The thing is, it isn't. The law, for the most part of it, only reflects what the society perceives as right and acceptable. Sometimes, of course, the law sets the standard - but we don't need laws to tell us what is right. Surely, we are better than that.

Marital rape, boils down to things that are far from the law. It goes back to the very basic notion of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", to treat another fellow human being with the same respect as you would want to be treated with.

So back to the question - should marital rape be criminalized? If one answers this question from a "policy" point of view, then yes. Because to do otherwise, is to say that the society condones marital rape. But from an 'enforcement' perspective, to criminalize marital rape is to open Pandora's box. It pits the husband's words against the wife's - one says it's mutual, the other cries rape. Is "injury" what makes something mutual, forced? Not necessarily.

The simple answer to all these? Look beyond the laws. Think outside the "legal box". For as long as we confine ourselves to the overwhelming task of how best to "control" our behaviors with the best set of words, we're going no where.

What changes us is not the law.

We change us.

So I hopped on the bandwagon, and downloaded Tinder. The only picture on my Tinder profile was this grumpy cartoon, and I left the "About You" section empty.

So what I did was, I flicked my thumb to the right to EVERY profile- with my eyes closed (couldn't bear to see what I am swiping  right to - like a mere crotch or other suggestive images).

The surprising (and actually very shocking) thing was that I actually got quite a massive number of matches. Like... who flicks right... to a grumpy cartoon picture and an empty "About You" section - but someone who, like me, gives a right flick to EVERY picture - without looking!

There is still one thing that I couldn't quite figure out though... why some even bothered to say "Hi" after? There is no reason for anyone to start a conversation with a cartoon-faced girl - save for the fact that I may or may not have consciously flicked my finger to the right.

The shitty part is of course when matches ask "so, why did you flick right?", or "you accidentally flicked right, didn't you?" and the many "HEY, ARE YOU GONNA TALK OR WHAT?!?"

It was a very anal thing to do - but I wanted to make a point - that when you do get a match on Tinder - he/she MAY OR MAY NOT be your "match made in heaven" - apart from and in addition to the obvious superficiality, of course.

While it may not be the best app to secure a long lasting relationship - it is pretty entertaining to say the least.

That being said, unless you did what I did - you're NOT "using Tinder for fun" or "checking Tinder out" (as much as you'd like to console yourself).

You are, in all seriousness, using Tinder to 'hook up' in which case, beware; or to find someone you can call your soul mate, which, I will in all honesty advise AGAINST.


p.s.: I do, solemnly apologize to all my matches - who may or may not have voluntarily participated in my mini social experiment on Tinder. 

What difference does virginity make?

If virginity is equivalent to or indicates purity - then it would follow that intercourse is, tarnishing? It is dirty? 

That is what we have always been made to feel, isn't it? Although, from a religious point of view - there is a distinction, i.e. intercourse within marriage is 'pure and holy'.

Still, within or outside marriage, it is of one and the same. It is essentially... intercourse.

I am not sure if I like men who can perceive intercourse as degrading and tarnishing - even for just a split second. I cannot live with the prospect that I can be tarnished and degraded. In fact, I think I am (very) repulsed by the idea of it.

To be brutally honest, deep down, I have this inkling feeling that that's how most men - or people in general perceive intercourse. Thanks to religion and pornography.

Am I the weird one out - am I being too much of an idealist? It's just that, that's not, and will never be how I ever want to look at intercourse, be it within or outside marriage.

So to me, virginity shouldn't matter. It should never be brought up. At all.

It's all a social construct reinforced by religion and philosophies. What if it was decided that it's the hands which should be covered instead?

It's a form of indoctrination. Because honestly, I don't remember feeling embarrassed naked, when I was a baby. When was the first time people made you feel bad about going around naked? It' all a social construct.

We are taught to see things the way we see them now. Men are taught to look at women the way they do now. If men feel like they cannot concentrate seeing women in skirts or hotpants, that is because they're taught by the society to look at women as sex objects.

If men are taught to respect women and to look at women as humans, they will not look at women the way they do now.

The world around us don't depict men as sexual objects, so when I see naked men I don't imagine myself doing them. Naked or clothed, it make no difference to me.

So the society should stop depicting women as sex objects. It does not have to be direct, although ads and pornography do abuse women's sexuality directly. It can be in a very covert form, and it's these covert abuse that are most detrimental because it reinforces those explicit abuse. One example is the banning of short skirts. This ban presupposes:

1. That women are and will be seen as sex objects, unless they're clothed in a way that hides their sexuality.
2. That men are rampant, horny, perverts that lack control.

The message sent out to women are: 

"Well, women, face i, you are sex objects. And men are a rampant, perverted, horny bunch. You better cover up, or be sorry."

Which is why I can't help but to get angry sometimes at these. I should be able to dress however I want. If it's hot, I'll put tank top and shorts on. It doesn't mean that I want to be seen in a particular way. 

I don't dress for men, I dress what I feel comfortable in.

So today, I accidentally hopped on the women's coach. There were a few men inside. No one said a word. I knew it's dangerous and I was just as afraid, but I told them to get down. To my horror, they refused! No other women dared to speak up at that point.

I don't agree with having all women's coach. 

It reinforces patriarchy. Women are still too afraid to speak up or defend what is rightfully theirs. Men still barge into women's coach and in utter disregard of the cold hostile stares thrown at them, as if to say:

"We are not afraid of you women or the law, and there's nothing you can do about it."